


the world's not waiting

by alienbabe (molotovgirl)



Series: we were doomed from the start (or at least that's what you told me) [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of Suicide, Molestation, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, fall out boy and mcr abound, major trigger warning for rape/non-con, the tragic suburban au you never knew you wanted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 04:56:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5571881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molotovgirl/pseuds/alienbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tragic suburban AU you never knew you wanted. Sex, misery, and pop punk abound. Major trigger warning for sexual assault and self-harm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the world's not waiting

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TW: SELF-HARM, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SUICIDE.

I.

At ten Rey stops wondering what the word _love_ means when her foster brother shoves his hand down her pants. She learns to expect pain, to watch the world through wary eyes. There are too many kids and not enough foster parents and she asks her foster mother when her _real_ parents are coming back and Rey sees her mouth tighten and a stone grows in the pit of her stomach. A Children’s Services psychologist gives her a journal to write in, but all that Rey writes down are numbers. One page every day. Eventually she runs out of pages. The next day she stops counting.

 

II. 

She’s tired of bouncing from foster family to foster family but it beats sleeping on the streets. She wants a bed that doesn’t have someone else’s imprint on it. She’s tired of sleeping under scratchy blankets that smell like sour milk. She wants to wake up in the middle of the night and know the geography of the house she’s in.

 

III.

His family lives next door and they have a big fluffy dog that  runs around in the backyard and she thinks the dad might be a mechanic or something because he’s always out in the driveway tinkering with the car. She sees the kid at school sometimes and he’s always listening to music with his hood up. They’re in the same English class and she notices that he writes song lyrics all over his notebooks and his shoes. She wonders if he likes Fall Out Boy.

 

They sit next to each other on the bus home one day and he compliments her striped socks and she says she likes his Good Charlotte sweatshirt and he asks her what kind of music she likes and she says _the same kind you do._ He says _I’m Kylo_ and she says _I’m Rey_ and there’s awkward silence and then he asks if she wants to come listen to records with him sometime and Rey says yes, yes she does. She likes the way his hair falls over his eyes.

 

He kisses her for the first time on a Thursday afternoon while Blink 182 is playing in the background and it takes her by surprise and when she leans in she can practically _hear_ his heart thudding in his chest. It’s the first time she’s ever been kissed and his mouth tastes like stale weed and cinnamon gum and Rey swears that she starts free-falling.

 

He shows her the scars up and down his wrists and tells her that that’s why he wears long sleeves all the time, even in the summer, and why he hates changing for gym class. She shows him three cigarette burns on her right thigh, shiny pink little planets marring her skin. She asks him why he did it and he says _because I’m drowning and no one understands how I feel_ and he asks her why she did it and Rey tells him _it wasn’t me_ and she tries to ignore the look in his eyes when she says it. It looks too much like pity.

  
  


VII.

He takes her to parties with senior boys and they smoke weed and drink shitty beer in people’s basement rec rooms and he plays his music way too loud in the car on the way back and Rey looks at the passing lights and sometimes her eyes fill with tears for reasons she can’t explain. They’re making out on Hux’s back porch when he leans in close and whispers _I love you_ and Rey’s hands go numb and she presses each word into the skin along his jaw: _I love you too._

 

VIII.

They fuck for the first time drunk in his room while his parents are downstairs watching _Ben Hur_ and Rey’s heart is beating so goddamn fast as he’s touching her and kissing her and sliding inside her and it hurts so bad but she doesn’t make a sound. Afterwards she’s lying on his chest and he’s stroking her hair and he says _I’d fucking kill myself without you, you know that?_ and she holds him tighter and says _don’t, don’t, I can’t live without you_ and her thighs are sticky and her chest is full of something strange and haunted that she can’t explain.

 

It’s November and it’s raining when the welfare agent comes and tells her that she’s moving to a group home two cities away. Rey carves the word _lost_ into her hip, watches the blood run down her pale skin. The blade is the only real thing in the world. She wants Kylo. She needs him. She swears she’ll die without him. It rains all night and she keeps looking across the side yard to Kylo’s window and it’s dark and she can’t tell if he’s home or not. The next afternoon she’s crying in the back of a state-issued van with Kylo’s address and phone number scrawled on the inside of her arm like a tattoo and he’s standing on his porch watching her go with his fists clenched.

 

X.

Six months pass and Rey hears his voice change. He talks about drugs, about trouble at school, about how much he misses her. There are some songs she can’t listen to anymore. She wonders if he’s fucking anyone else by now. She tells herself she doesn’t care. One of the boys at the group home catches her sneaking back from a party one night and pins her against the side of the house and shoves his hand past her waistband and Rey goes numb. He tears her quietly apart and she closes her eyes and thinks about Kylo’s pale back in the semi-darkness of his room. One day she calls his house and his mother answers the phone. Rey asks  _is Kylo there_ and she hears breath hitching on the other end of the line and then _he’s––he doesn’t live here anymore_ and then a click and dial tone and Rey quietly hangs up. She’ll look in the newspaper for yesterday’s obituaries.

 

 


End file.
